Every time I get in the tub I wonder what Oprah's bathtub looks like.
You see, part of the fantasy of living the dream™ (the dream that I'm perpetually acting out) includes bubble baths. Every night. Pop culture and romantic comedies have been telling me for almost 30 years that this is the quintessential way to relax after a long and stressful day.
But for me - nothing is more humbling than taking a bath. My tub is over 80 years old and collecting rust in multiple places. I get about 3 inches of warm water before the tap turns ice cold. I can't manage thumbing through a book or magazine without getting the pages all wet. And I've discovered that Dr. Bronner's soap doesn't really make bubbles - instead it makes my bath water look like skim milk. The lights are a little too bright and I get bored a little too quickly. I start to get grossed out by the actual concept of a bath before I can ever really enjoy it. Meanwhile, Mr. Scooty Boots is sticking his grubby paws in the water and unabashedly staring at my hoo-ha.
I know I've gotta be doing it all wrong. So as I sit, defeated and grossed out, 3 inches deep in luke-warm water, I always think of Oprah. I try to imagine what her bathtub is like. Polished marble, fancy mini-soaps, candle light and warm towels is what comes to mind. And I bet her cat - a fancy Bengal, of course - sits perched on the edge of the tub - politely diverting his eyes from her nether areas.
One day I'm going to master the art of taking a bath. But I think for now I'll stick to the shower.
love this, i've always felt the exact same way.
ReplyDeleteI usually top off my day with a bath after I work out to soak my muscles. It's basically my favorite part of the day, but I do wish my tub were huge so I could actually submerge my whole body in water. Lousy Opera with her fancy things.
ReplyDeleteMy husband calls baths "ass soup". That is all.
ReplyDeleteThis has got to be one of my favorite posts since Everest :) And you write some pretty amazing stuff!
ReplyDeleteI loves baths. The ritual, the soaking, the ruining of a perfectly good magazine... even though it's tricky to fit all 5'11" of me in comfortably.
For the first two years my boyfriend and I were together we lived in apartments that only housed showers. For my birthday one year he surprised me with a gift certificate for this fancy Japanese bath at a spa - fanciest schmanciest bath I ever did take.
HAHAHA! Oh my you just summed up my bath time! I always dream about long, bubbly soaks surrounded by candlight, but in reality my eyes are squinting from the overhead light, I always have to swat the cat away, and I'm usually shriveled before I fully enjoy it. Oprah's got it good I'm sure!
ReplyDeleteI am the same way in the tub. Our tub is horrible. It's small so you can't fully lay down. My grandmother had an amazing claw foot tub but it took too much water to fill up and as you described her water heater did not stay warm long enough to fill it.
ReplyDeleteI always start a bath with the intention to relax, and meditate and what not but I am always too busy thinking of the million other things I need to do.
Then there is the "chilling in your own filth" factor. I wish I could relax to enjoy this. I see all these shows with super huge tubs and think. I want that... but I bet I'd be just as antsy in a big nice tub too.
Here's to hoping we can find our bath tub zen!
Thanks for making me laugh. I needed that!
ReplyDeletep.s. I haven't lived in a house with a bathtub in 4 years. I miss taking baths, even if they aren't always the hype they are worked up to be.
i get bored in the bath, too. do other people actually bathe when they are sitting down in the bath? on the rare occassion that i decide to "take a bath", i always take a shower first (so that im clean and dont have to sit in dirty bath water). then i get bored.
ReplyDeleteI am the exact same way! I pour myself a glass of wine, light some candles, get the bubbles going and grab a magazine only to be out of the tub in 10 minutes...bored and wrinkled.
ReplyDeleteMan, I don't even have a tub. It's a stand-up shower. I do get bored fast, and always want the bath warmer than it is despite the fact that I'm starting to cook. I still daydream about the apartment accross from the park full of homeless crack-heads with the clawfoot tub that i almost rented for the tub alone.
ReplyDeletealso, is he starting at your hoo-ha or staring? I also love that you are talking about your hoo-ha
I have a huge tub but baths have always grossed me out too! The only time I ever take a bath is if I shower first and exfoliate haha then it doesn't feel so gross. But it is all just way too much work. I think baths are one of those deceptively glamorous things. : ) I'd rather sit on my couch with a glass of wine and some iPad Sudoku to relax at the end of the day.
ReplyDeleteAmanda
I love this post. I feel the exact same way. I want to love baths. But I think I'll always just love the idea of a bath.
ReplyDeleteI have the same issue. They are cold and hard and un-relaxing...but standing on a hot shower, that I can do for ages.
ReplyDeleteI too always desired the "want" for the bath and experienced this..........................UNTIL,
ReplyDeletemy boyfriend and I just bought a house, built in the 30's and recently updated, part of which was a master bath with (short-sightedly so) strictly a "soaking" tub, with beautiful white subway tile around. A big, deep bathtub, lovely.............except, no shower head, at all. And I could not for the life of me figure out why in addition to that decision, she used one of the tiny master closets to house this huge new water heater (no on demand tankless??). Then i started taking baths and realized her whole master plan, the tank is really close to the tub which means hot water instantly and lots of it, i now take HOT long luxurious baths in a tub almost every nite, god forbid i could totally drown in (let's hope i don't).
Haha! Perfect!!
ReplyDeleteSame here. Want to love them; too much trouble. Gotta find the bubbles, pray the running water stays warm, pick up bath-time Ariel Barbie and put her behind the toilet so she doesn't taunt me with her little body.
And really, who wants to lay there staring at their boobs like that? Mine don't look their perkiest when I'm lying down.
It's ironic you should post this because baths have been my saving grace almost every night this week. I get the water scalding hot, then pour in a handful of epsom salt. I keep a clean towel at arms length so i can dry off my fingers before grabbing a book. And earlier in the week a Classic 50's peach eskimo frosty and bag of fried okra accompanied me. Perfection.
ReplyDeleteIt's ironic you should post this because baths have been my saving grace almost every night this week. I get the water scalding hot, then pour in a handful of epsom salt. I keep a clean towel at arms length so i can dry off my fingers before grabbing a book. And earlier in the week a Classic 50's peach eskimo frosty and bag of fried okra accompanied me. Perfection.
ReplyDeleteIn theory, bathes are great. But all I can think about is how I'm sitting in my own filth. So I have to either shower before I take a bath, or after. And that kind of defeats the whole purpose of taking a relaxing bath in the first place.
ReplyDeletePS - nice toes!
it's too early to be laughing this hard. skim milk and boredom. and yes, in the middle of every bath i start to get a little icked out.
ReplyDeleteone of the things that i love about our new home in okinawa - the tub. it's blue and deep and awesome. the hot water never runs out, thankfully. and i've actually learned to relax a bit with a good book. relaxing & reading for fun are two things i've never made time for in the past.
ReplyDeletebut i always ALWAYS have to take a shower afterwards to feel clean.
I take a bath every night. I hate showers. Try bath salts. Light some candles. Put the magazine down and just close your eyes. I love it. But I don't run out of hot water. THAT would be a drag.
ReplyDeleteI really never understood how people did baths -- I'm such a shower girl: it's fast and efficient and I can feel the warm of the water on my shoulders which is a big deal for me.
ReplyDeleteThe last bath I took was probably two or three years ago. I made lots of bubbles and played battleships.
Ha! I'm so glad everyone else has bath tub hangups as well.
ReplyDeleteAshley - It's actually not ironic at all only because your description of how awesome baths are is probably what prompted me to give it another try this last week. Your way with words could probably convince me to jump off a bridge.
(i take baths in bathing suits) sitting somewhere naked for that long just feels weird to me.
ReplyDelete