I did it to myself really. You see, Friday, February 17th, on a dark and stormy afternoon, I went to pick up Liz from the airport. And as I was hopping on to the highway I thought:
"Gee. It would really suck if I got a flat tire today."
Way to put it out there into the universe, Kathleen. Or maybe it was just an intuitive premonition. Because about 5 minutes after picking up Liz I was going 70mph in the far left lane when I heard a "POP!" followed by a wobble wobble. I immediately pulled over - sheltered by an overpass and checked out the damage. A flat and shredded tire.
So I turned on my hazards and called Jeremy. I told him I got a flat and he asked me where I was. I wasn't sure so I made my iPhone tell me. Then he said something like "Okay. Well... change it." And that's when I had to tell him my darkest secret: I don't know how to change a flat tire.
Yup. It's true. Miss I-Want-To-Be-A-Post-Apocalyptic-Badass can be immobilized by something like a flat tire. So Jeremy calls Triple A (or Three As as my grandma-in-law likes to call it) and about 20 minutes later a man who smells like cigars and whiskey shows up to help this damsel in distress. Oh. I should also note here that at least 3 police officers drove by offering zero assistance. Nice.
So while the nice (and maybe drunk man) changes my tire Liz and I wander farther under the overpass to find this:
At first we weren't sure what was going on here. It's some sort of bird with mammal legs. Liz thought an Eagle had attacked a rabbit and they died together on the side of the highway. I thought maybe a serial killer had Frankensteined dog legs on to a hawk's body. Then we realized it was an owl.
So to add insult to injury now I'm being confronted with how not badass I am by not plucking feathers from this owl carcass to turn into post-apocalyptic jewelry - or better yet - a post-apocalyptic bikini. Instead I'm disturbed.
Before I know it the flat tire is changed and when I get home I can tell that Jeremy is disappointed and frustrated that I don't know a necessary life skill such as changing a flat tire.
So yesterday he taught me how:
1. On level ground place your car in park and put your emergency break on.
2. Locate your tools (a jack, wrench and spare tire)
3. BEFORE jacking the car up loosen the lug nuts (remember lefty loosy righty tighty) - you may need to jump on the wrench to loosen
4. Then jack the car up. Refer to the owners manual for correct placement. This is surprisingly easier than I thought it would be.
5. Now continue to remove the lug nuts. The tire will come right off.
6. Now this is the hard part - get the spare tire on and line up the holes for the lug nuts. It took me a couple tries but I finally got it. (Meanwhile, the neighbors were wondering why Jeremy was making his sweet lil' lady change a tire all by herself.)
7. Put the lug nuts back onto the wheel in a star pattern. Tighten them as much as you can with your fingers.
8. Lower the car and remove the jack.
9. Use the wrench to tighten the lug nuts as much as you can (right tighty) - you may need to stand on the wrench here to get them tight enough.
10. Put the flat and your tools back in the car.
And I have to admit - I felt a little more badass after changing a tire all by myself.
Do you guys have any interesting flat tire stories? Do you know how to change a tire? But more importantly - do you think I should go back for the owl carcass?
Not that this helps with jewelry- making, but any school bio department, rehab facility, or museum would probably want that Great Horned Owl if it's in good shape (it's hard to tell from the pic). You can pick him up, stick him in your freezer, then take it over to them. ????
ReplyDeleteI'd normally say, yes go back for the carcass, it's cold out, no bugs, but it's been unseasonably warm, and that just seems a little ishy.
ReplyDeleteMy flat tire story is one for the ages. It was 1996, my family and I were homeward bound from a vacation in California when we got two flat tires in the middle of the salt flats in Utah. No cell phones. Hitchhiking. Terrrrible.
This isn't a very badass story, but after my car went off the road, I got three flats within a week. My boyfriend changed them for me (because he felt bad about being the guy who drove my car off the road) but after watching him do it so many times, I feel pretty confident in my tire changing abilities!
ReplyDeleteWow it really does have weird feet!
ReplyDeleteI don't know how to change a tire. I never learned. I have AAA, and I don't like the idea of squatting on the side of a busy Connecticut highway trying not to get hit by a car while changing a tire. Someone else can take care of that ;)
I never thought I'd have to change a tyre, so I put it on my list. A little while later, sure enough, I got a flat tyre! Except I didn't stop like you did, I drove across the city wondering what that weird noise was... fail! Post here, if you're interested: http://bit.ly/x6ynKS It was actually easier than I thought, too! :)
ReplyDeleteHaha! Yes. You must go back for it. The idea of a Frankensteined owl makes me yearn for a post-apocolyptic bikini. [shudders]
ReplyDeleteChanging a tire is intimidating. I mean, you could break a nail. Or scuff your shoe.
I lived in Mobile during/after Katrina and experienced weekly flat tires for a very long while due to roofing nails. (Hurricanes and flat tires - seemingly unlikely associated disasters.)
And I still never learned. Scuffed shoes are as shudder-worthy as pseudo-owl carcasses against my hoo-hah.
I have no idea how to change a flat tire. But I also sold my car before moving out to Denver, so I suppose it isn't something I need to learn immideately. Although.. it would be badass if I was riding with my friends, their car got a flat tire and I was the one who knew how to change it. Memorizing Jeremy's directions, now.
ReplyDeleteAlso, is that a VW hatchback? That's my dream car! Should I move to a place where I need a vehicle, I am certainly getting myself a little hatchback. They're so friggin' adorable.
PS - go back for the owl. And take it's feathers before you dispose of the carcass. I like the idea of a feather bikini. Oww, oww!
I love stories where the heroine admits that she doesn't have all the answers, but that she's curious enough and motivated enough to learn them. Nicely done, K.
ReplyDeleteMy dad is a mechanic so growing up, he made it a point to show me the basics. It came in handy when I got a flat and the boyfriend didn't know how to change the tire. Thanks, Dad!
ReplyDeleteA few months ago, my boyfriend and I drove up to North Florida to see his father. On the way back, we got a flat that exploded so violently, it slapped our back bumper off on the right hand side. Then, the lugnuts were so tight that we had to wait 3 hours for his dad to drive to us and help get them off. They had to jump on the wrench to get them off.
ReplyDeleteThankfully, his dad went to the Walmart around the corner and bought us a new tire so we drove home safely.
Since then, we've had to replace the other tires so I did learn how to do it myself. It's not very glamorous, but always a great skill to have. I've also learned how to replace the spark plugs in my little focus!
- Lindsay
Kate - Hmmm... I don't think I have the time or will to store and transport this little guy around BUT if anyone reading this wants to put out the effort I'll gladly share the location.
ReplyDeleteJes - Yikes, that's scary! At least you were with your family, right?
Alison - 3 in one week!? That's craziness. I did find a big nail in the tire. Hopefully no more sharp objects are attracted to my tires.
Francine - The scariest thing for me was the thought of getting hit by a car since the flat was on the side next to the traffic. But I'm glad to know I won't have to rely on AAA next time.
Elly - Maybe it was a self-fulfilling prophecy for you too by putting it on your list!
Emily - It's funny because I was wearing my most badass post-apocalyptic boots when I got the flat. So I was certainly dressed for the part.
Ashlae - Yup! It's a 2002 VW GTI. It's actually Jeremy's car but I drive it most of the time and he drives my '04 Scion xB. Both cars have over 100,000 miles on them but they keep on going.
i love your blog and check it daily, but i have to say i find it somewhat inappropriate and disrespectful to a beautiful, rare animal in the wake of its lonely death, to make light of how you could re-use its parts. that's callous, not bad-ass.
ReplyDeleteI think that you should leave the owl alone. Because, ew.
ReplyDeleteWhen I lived in Arizona I went to a garage that was run by women. They taught classes to women on how to do bad ass car stuff. I thought that was pretty cool.
ps- the owl photo is really pretty and I'm glad you posted it. I just wouldn't want to touch it because of germs. Yikes.
ReplyDeleteI went with my coworker to lunch, who has a Honda Pilot, she had her tire blow.. we pull off to the side of the road, she says "Time me". We look at the time and she gets to work. She was on the ground on her hands and knees in a short dress and seriously changed the tire in less than 15 minutes. When she finished, she was covered in oil and dirt, laughs and says "I've never actually done that before, but now I know I can." I have never been so impressed it was mesmerizingly amazing!
ReplyDeleteIs that a VW? oh and I would be grossed out too and not pick feathers off of a dead owl, you don't know what type of diseases might be on it. no matter how cool they might look.
Ren - I hear you and completely understand where you're coming from. If I could let you in a little bit on my creative process as I was writing this post you would see that I considered not showing this bird at all. I was hoping that I would be able to communicate how uncomfortable finding this owl carcass made me. How in that moment I didn't feel like a badass at all and how I was actually pretty disturbed by the finding. I was disturbed and confused about what to do - so I did nothing at all.
ReplyDeleteYes, I was trying to make light of it by joking about making a post-apocalyptic bikini. Kind of like laughing at a funeral, it's my way (as inappropriate as it may come across) of coping - of sorting through feelings I didn't know what to do with. I sincerely apologize that it came across as disrespectful. Thanks for the comment.
thank you for your thoughtful response, kathleen. :-)
ReplyDeletebut, it has furry legs?
ReplyDeletei ran out of gas and got a flat tire AT THE SAME TIME... at 6 in the morning on the interstate outside of talla-nasty. (tallahassee, fl)
I vote on leaving the owl carcass alone. Though it is pretty cool. Maybe go back? No, no you'd have to taxidermy the thing and that's gross.
ReplyDeleteAs for the flat tire, that's only happened to me once, when I was in high school so I called my dad. But I guarantee you, if it happened to me now, I'd be stubborn enough to try and change it myself. Ideally I would be in an evening dress doing it, just because that would be funny and completely not what you'd expect.
Poor owl - it's so beautiful, but what a terrible place to meet your end.
ReplyDeleteIn college a friend got a flat tire and out of 5 queer women in the car, I was the only one that knew how to change it. We had to take turns jumping up and down on the wrench.
A few years ago I got a flat on a bad section of highway in Phoenix and couldn't get my damn spare down under my truck. The assembly hinge had rusted shut. A very nice, massive biker-dude stopped and pulled it down with sheer brute force.
I still can't change my own oil, though. I know how, but all that weight above me freaks me out.
I've found that now when a tire is replaced on a car at an auto shop they often use an air gun/impact wrench to bolt them on and they over torque them. Then when you get a flat Triple A or an equivalent has to be called to get them off because a regular tire iron/wrench that's in the car won't budge them. That's what frustrates me so much. It can mean having to pay anyway to fix a flat that could have been yourself and also over torquing on the tires can cause other problems.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I could change a tire. Actually, I think I could change the tire if I had any idea how a car jack works, which I don't.
ReplyDeleteAnd the owl is beautiful but sad. It's just like... hey thanks Universe. Send me a flat tire and then a dead beautiful animal. Great way to knock me down a few pegs. ;)
I'm glad you chose to show the owl - it's a beautiful thing. Not to be weird but I would have picked it up if I'd had a bag or something.
ReplyDeletemy first flat tire was just post taking the SAT's in high school so i guess i was a junior, like 15 or 16. i had parked my car in a friends yard and being the "i can do it myselfer" i am, i began looking through the back of my car for what i assumed were the necessary parts. found the pieces and began jacking up the car. a college age guy lived in the carriage house behind my friends parents home, and he came out and talked to me while i changed it by myself and never offered to help. i don't remember having any problems and it was not a big deal, but i never forgot that experience, that a dude would sit and chat but never offer to help. oh well. since then i have taught many a girlfriend to change their own, it is an invaluable skill if you own a car.
ReplyDeleteI had no idea that's what owl feet looked like. I'm totally grossed out and totally impressed at the same time. Fantastically creepy. It's a gorgeous photograph of a beautiful creature that I've never seen in such a *real life* way. That's kind of cool. I'm happy you shared.
ReplyDeleteOf course, I'm with you. I would be way out of my element with the flat tire and the owl carcass. WAY.
A handy thing to have when changing a tire is a cheater bar. It's basically a strong, hollow pipe that will fit over the handle of your tire iron. The one I have is about 2 1/2 feet long. If the lug nuts are too tight you slip the cheater bar over the handle of the tire iron and you instantly have more torque or leverage or whatever. Totally eliminates the jumping on the tire iron part. Plus it can double as a weapon in your post-apocalyptic world.
ReplyDeleteLegitimately, I laughed out loud at the rabbit and the eagle dying together comment. Oh my! Happy Wednesday!!! I don't know how to change a flat tire either...that's why God invented significant others and Triple A/insurance. I've used that 'getoutofjail free' card more than once!
ReplyDeleteThe owl! Hol-y crap! Kinda scary...
ReplyDeleteWe got a flat tire once, and upon hearing that I didn't know how to change a tire the husband went into full on teacher mode. I didn't pay much attention (as seen in my post here), but I did manage to get the gist of it and amuse myself at the same time!
I thought you'd like to know that this evening I discovered I had a flat tire and immediately went to this blog post for directions, rather than Googling it. I figured your instructions were probably way more concise and easy to follow than most other sites. So your site has helped another woman become more badass. :-)
ReplyDeleteOh, poor little bird, but it seems like you had a good time wandering around the area. I hope that the flat tire incident didn’t eat up too much of your time. The rough road right there must be the reason why it happened, wasn’t it? Well, whatever it was, my advice is to have the contact numbers of car service guys. People who are reliable not just on fixing tires, but on overall car repair.
ReplyDeleteRita McCall