Lately I've been feeling pulled, from the inside out, in opposite directions. For example:- I want to buy a little cabin in the middle of the woods and spend my weekends soaking up the sun in the middle of nowhere
+ But I also want to build a super modern eco dream house in the middle of the city where I can ditch my car and walk/bike everywhere
- I want to slow down and chill out
+ I want to change the world. Right now.
- I want a baby
+ Oh wait ... No I don't.
- I want to develop another ECourse, take on 4 more clients, write an EBook, and brainstorm a workshop / retreat – all so I can help other creatives live what they love
+ I want to do some yoga, learn to surf, become a gypsy and travel the world ...
- I want a clear head and 8+ hours of sleep a night
+ But I also want a glass of wine and late conversations
- I want to be a non-consumerist
+ But I also want to support local and handmade with my dollars
+ And if I'm being honest, I really want those cozy boots
- I want to read and teach
+ I want to do and create
- I want to be inspired by the details
+ I want to imagine the big picture
This sounds pretty painful, right? And to be honest, at times it has been. It's all too easy to play the role of the victim – suffering from circumstance and the way things are. If only I had chosen a different path. If only I had gone to a different University. If only, if only, if only... Then I give myself a stern talking to about being an ungrateful, spoiled brat – which always ends in tears. That's not the person I want to be.
I'm ditching the victim and the brat. I drive this ship. The common thread is that I want. I want. I want. I'm okay with that. The challenge is in having it all.
Challenge accepted.
Photo of me, a dog person, and Mister Scooty Boots by Greer Inez
you got this kathleen! really enjoyed this post this morning.
ReplyDeleteI do this ALL the time especially the "i want a baby" oh wait...NO I DO NOT.
ReplyDeleteI love being alone and I love being a bar stuffed with loud people. I hear ya!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel! I once read a quote, "You can have it all, but not all at once," and it has become my personal mantra. It forces me to prioritize, and helps me make big decisions (what do I want/what is best NOW?). Good luck on your journey :)
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate this feeling of opposites and wanting. I get notes from the universe emailed to me everyday and one of them said recently, "when you find yourself wanting more, give thanks." I found that really powerful. We can get so caught up in wanting more, more, more, often times to lose sight of what we already have. It helps me put those cozy boots into more logical and realistic perspective :)
ReplyDeletehmmm didn't you just write a newsletter email about not doing it all just because you can????
ReplyDeleteSometimes we do have to sacrifice things. we can't have babies while not having babies. we can't do it all. but you just have to figure out what's at the top of the list and start there.
but amen to the feeling bipolar. I totally want to 'buy nothing till 2013' ;) AND I wanted that 25$ magazine I ought online 10 seconds after vouching to myself i wouldn't buy anything. OH WELL.
I think the point is - don't ever beat yourself up for what you can't or haven't done. :)
Emily
emilyleclerc.com
hmmm didn't you just write a newsletter email about not doing it all just because you can????
ReplyDeleteSometimes we do have to sacrifice things. we can't have babies while not having babies. we can't do it all. but you just have to figure out what's at the top of the list and start there.
but amen to the feeling bipolar. I totally want to 'buy nothing till 2013' ;) AND I wanted that 25$ magazine I ought online 10 seconds after vouching to myself i wouldn't buy anything. OH WELL.
I think the point is - don't ever beat yourself up for what you can't or haven't done. :)
Emily
emilyleclerc.com
Kathleen, this is the story of my life! Decision making is TOUGH! Sometimes we gotta choose one thing and go at it with full force and hope we made the right decision. After reading your post, I don't think you can choose a wrong one! And that's good news, right!? :) Lovely blog. Let's follow each other.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Kaylyn
www.theweirhouse.com
Kendra - XO!
ReplyDeleteChristin - Ha! Yes. All the time. My ovaries and my brain and my ticking time bomb of a biological clock are all at battle.
Francine - Yes. I'm realizing though, that a lot of the things I want aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, or even in fact opposites. Which is making me realize maybe nothing is holding me back...
Brooke - The "not all at once" is so hard for me! Again, I think it comes down to being present and being grateful (but not sacrificing desires either).
Hainesmorgan - YES. When I feel the worst it's because I realize I'm not giving thanks to what I've already got. Which I'm so super appreciative of. It's like... how do you balance drive with being present?
Emily - I KNOW. But in that letter I was referring to not taking on the kind of work you don't want to do just because you have the skillset.
But it applies here too. And that's when I start to feel guilty about my desires... which is kind of bullshit. Which is what I'm saying here... I'm going to start making dreams happen.
i struggle with these same pardoxes (paradoxi?) too...but is it about having it all? or learning how to be content? still learning...
ReplyDeleteKathleen, we've all been there.. I always used to wonder where I would be if I had taken another path in life/education/relationships.. always wishing and dreaming up things I could have if I tried really really hard… there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s something we all do - and that’s ok.
ReplyDeleteBut a couple months ago, a few (not so good) life changing events shattered my family and the aftermath completely changed my perspective on life and resisting my urge to want things I didn’t-couldn’t have… sometimes we think we want it all and we need them to validate who we are as individuals. But at the end of the day, we have to remember not to take things for granted, appreciate who we’ve become and genuinely be grateful for what we have – in most cases everything we truly need is already right in front of us.
In my case, it took my sister-in-law leaving my brother-in-law and their 2 very young boys for another man to put all of my doubts in life into perspective. honest to god, true story.
I guess your post really had me thinking about my life priorities again.
Thanks for always keeping it real.
I really appreciate your blog. Have I ever told you that? If not here I am...I do. It's fantastic. Your posts are always well written and I can always somehow relate, or if not relate, at least find it interesting and take something away from it. It's something I'm struggling with right now with my own blog and have written a few posts on it.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you're great Kathleen! We share a lot of the same thoughts & ideas it seems from this post ;)
CarleeKajsa - It's funny because I feel like the deeper I get and the more I know ... I want to dive even further and realize how much I DON'T know... It is an interesting paradox.
ReplyDeleteDOM - It IS all perspective. 100%. I definitely have some soul work to do but I'm also have some work-work to do. As always, thanks for your friendship and comments. XOXO
Carly / Miss Teacups - I big time needed that comment from you. This space has been awkward for me lately. I've been feeling much more private but also a lot more uninspired to share. So comments like yours remind me that I'm not just blogging for myself. XOXO!
So timely for me, thank you for writing this.
ReplyDeleteI always feel strange for struggling with the same contradictory wants. In a world that's so black/white it can leave you feeling like the odd one out. Scolding yourself for forever straddling a line, instead of drawing one.
Thank you.
these types of conflicts are the story of my LIFE.
ReplyDeleteThis post describes so well the strange struggles that I experience. Thank you for putting it so precisely! I feel inspired by the world and, all at once, I want to be in it, part of it, changing it and simply experiencing it. The cacophony of it all! It is beautiful though, and the feeling of possibility is my favorite. Cheers!
ReplyDeleteUm, yeah. I so feel this way all the time. I agree and try to remind myself, too, that being in a position to want, want, want is one of great opportunity. It's just figuring out how to get all we want, right? Thanks for this post.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I wrote this post! Thank you, it's nice to know that others feel the same as me. There is just SO MUCH I want to do/experience/accomplish/explore, I don't even know where to start, or how to make both things happen. I want to live in the middle of a forest with miles of trees & fresh air, but I'd also like to live in the city because I hate driving and I'm smitten with the buzz & constant creativity & interactions. I want to settle down and lead a simple/quiet life, but I also want to travel the world for weeks/months/years changing lives and bringing empowerment & hope to those who need it. Phewww! It gets overwhelming sometimes. I'm constantly having to tell myself to enjoy the NOW, and not think so much about what's ahead because the truth is we just don't know. We can only live in the present, and live it wholeheartedly. And I think if we're content in the now, and working hard, and being genuine... everything we want will come to us in some form or another. At some point. In ways we may have never thought or dreamt.
ReplyDeleteYou're definitely one of those people in the blog world who's done SO much and is doing what they want and being phenomenal at it - and I admire that so much, and it inspires me to keep pushing and striving for the life I want to lead. So thank you for that. xo.
Jess - You're welcome. I almost didn't write this post. But it's good to know we're not alone, yeah?
ReplyDeleteHere's to straddling lines!
Fieryskulldiaries - ME TOO.
FemaleFigure - I always forget that cacophony is one of my very favorite words until I hear someone use it.
Jen - I think it's about being deliberate about decisions. It's about buying plane tickets and simply lacing up our shoes and getting to work. Phew. Why does it seem so impossible at times?
Kelly Ann - Life is too short, right!? But you're right. Living wholeheartedly in the now is the key. I heard something today on NPR about Tibetan Buddhist mandalas. This idea of narrowing in and focusing to a point in order to open up a whole universe of understanding. It definitely made me think about focusing on the here and now - as it is my whole world.
Thank you so much for your kind words. Let's keep pushing and striving and stretching and changing the world together. Pact?
XO
I have similar inner battles myself and it feels good to know others like me do to. Thanks for sharing Kathleen.
ReplyDeleteSounds similar to inner battles I have too, thank for sharing and letting me know I'm not the only one that has these.
ReplyDelete