When I think about what I want my life to look like I always come back to soaking up the sun. As much as I want to create and grow and carve and push, most times I just want to lay in hot sand – blinded by the sun through closed eyelids. And lately, when I think about what I want life to look like I grow more and more curious about what it would look like with a little J&K.
But you see... I don't think anyone feels quite as fifty-fifty about baby-making as I do. I'm jealous of my friends who opt for vasectomies and a child-free by choice kind of life. I'm equally jealous of my friends who have known from the moment they were born that they, themselves, wanted to bring their own baby into the world one day.
Half of me wants to enjoy my life to the fullest with just Jeremy. I want to travel, pour myself into creating work with meaning, and craft the world around me into something beautiful. This half of me cherishes my slow, still mornings and the rituals that ease us into our day. This half of me works out twice a day and has spontaneous dinner parties. This half of me has really listened to how raising a baby is pretty much the hardest thing you'll ever do and this half of me can't seem to work through the "but it's worth it" part. This half of me feels pretty damn fulfilled without baby.
But then this other half of me wants to expand this love we've got into a family of our own. This half of me is incredibly curious about the kind of person we could bring into our world – and what we could all accomplish having each other's back. This half of me swoons over giggling babies in white onesies and fantasizes about station wagons and family adventures. Sometimes I think this house is a little too quiet at times. This half of me feels a rush of hormones and a very loud biological urge to make a baby and hold it tight.
I've been working through this feeling of fifty-fifty and being stretched in both directions for a while now. I'll never forget my sister generously telling me, for as hard as we work, that maybe life is about enjoying your family and soaking up the sun. So with that... I trust that, either way, I'll continue to create and grow and carve and push and when I grow tired, I'll always have the sun.
I've never wanted kids. I just really, really don't want to have any. And while I think my biological clock is currently ticking and my body is telling me I should probably have one, my brain just can't catch up. I have several dreams a week in which I'm pregnant or have a baby, but in the dream I'm screaming and crying and I wake up in tears, hahaha.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't even get me started on how horribly awkward I am around babies/small children. I guess it's not for everyone, and I love that we live in a time where more and more women are making that choice rather than just having babies because they think it's expected of them. And lately I've noticed more women my age deciding against starting a family. I feel like if my parents had a choice they wouldn't have had kids. But being the children of Italian immigrants who were insanely old fashioned, not having kids just wasn't an option.
Whatever decision you make will be great, though, just because of the fact that you even get to make that decision.
I can definitely understand that feeling of fifty-fifty. I think both my husband and I felt that way and when we finally decided yes, let's have a baby, we had moments of panic over whether we made the right choice because there were so many things we hadn't done yet. Now, that we've got the wee man, we've just changed our plans a bit. We are limited in some ways, but babies/kids can be more adaptable then you'd think. The more you expose them to different experiences at a younger age, the easier it is to go out and do things with them. It's kind of cool to see the world through his eyes and I'm excited to show and teach him everything I can. Plus, it's interesting how having kids can change you as a person... I was certain I'd still want the same things as before, but now I'm not so sure.
ReplyDeleteI hear you. Completely.
ReplyDeleteI hear you. This seems like one of the toughest decisions of the 20s/30s... and for some men and women it stretches even beyond that.
ReplyDeletehow does Jeremy feel about it? did he see his life one way or the other?
ReplyDeleteI think you would be the coolest mom. that's not a reason to have kids, or even me saying you should... I just think you're cool as shit and the prospect of more people like you seems awesome.
Great post, and something I've gone back and forth about myself. In my case, the latter half won out. And when it did, I found that it wasn't as easy a road as I thought it'd be. But even that experience confirmed that oh, holy crap -- this really IS important to me, us and our life.
ReplyDeleteSitting about 10 weeks in, I'm nervous about how life could unfold. What will we (or I) have to give up? What if I'm terrible at it? What if I feel overwhelmed with work + a new life role? But those aren't the worries that keep me up at night. I'm more nervous about this new little life falling short again, and how we'd manage the disappointment and fill the void of a love lost.
Like Francine said, whatever decision you make will be great because both are rife with possibilities. But I've realized that neither decision is without compromise and a little heartache. But perhaps that's how we grow.
I feel you completely on the 50/50 stuff. My J and I keep going back and forth - which I suppose is easy while we're not quite at the age where we are running into a "must act" scenario. It's no hidden thing that they require so much energy + time, but I don't want to ever look back and regret not having them. We're thinking about having 1 and then adopting 1 internationally at some point. Then again, I sure do love our travel time and the money we have to be able to do it!
ReplyDeleteI COMPLETELY agree with your post. I am in the same boat and can relate to your 50/50 feelings 100%. Just know that I don't think anyone is ever "ready" to have kids (even if they say they are) so don't wait for that feeling to come around. Just trust your instincts and enjoy what ever happens.
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting this. I think in our society a lot of times women are shunned or made to feel guilty if they don't or aren't sure if they want children. I am in the exact same situation. And truthfully I just wish that if I am to have a baby, that overwhelming urge would come along already! I am just tired of myself being so unsure about it. I am in my early 30s and all my friend either are having kids or already have kids; and they are AMAZING. And I love them all. But I just want to make art and travel and get a business going, which makes the decision about baby THAT MUCH HARDER.
ReplyDeleteEven after my husband and I decided to try for a baby, I wondered the same things as you. So we made the most of our time... And it turns out we had rather a lot of time! We travelled, we moved, we renovated again, we socialized, cooked amazing food, loved each other wholly and completely and really lived a child free life. Then, just as we were coming to terms with our seeming infertility, and thinking that the rest of our lives would be like that all the time, we fell pregnant. 9 weeks from our due date, I still feel scared of how everything will change, and what we will give up. The small things mostly, cooking a lazy breakfast on the weekend, couch time with my husband and dog, reading blogs, a full nights sleep. And I'm not sure the fear will ever really leave me. But the othe half of me cannot believe the true miracle growing, moving, hiccuping, learning in my belly. And maybe it's a cliche, but to have created a person (not a baby, but a person) with the man I love and adore more than anyone, to know that person is half him, half me, is the most whole feeling of love and content I have ever felt.
ReplyDeleteIt's a very complex decision, in this day and age, of choice, higher mortgages, self expectation and societies expectations. It feels as though there is pressure, on women especially, to be everything to everyone. And there is no right answer. Good luck with your journey, wherever it may lead.
I was soooo ambivalent before I had the girl. Just no interest in having kids. The man and I travelled, did the big career thing, renovated a few homes, played jazz as amateurs. Had a FULL life.
ReplyDeleteI won't go into the ENTIRE story but we DID suffer some infertility when we decided to try and have a kid. Cue a few miscarriages, a couple of adoptions gone awry for various reasons and finally I carried the girl to term.
She's almost seven now and I cannot imagine NOT having her in our lives. It's really an amazing thing to build a family. It's fun and great and hard and tiring too at times.
Looking back, my ambivalence was in my case MOSTLY because of growing up with an unhappy mom. And an unhappy grandmother. In my kid mind I associated their unhappiness with motherhood and decided that NO WAY was I going down that road.
I'm sooooo thrilled we have a child. It's a challenge to balance the creative work and the family/parenting - our "models" are Jackson Pollock who had Lee Krasner to do all the administrivia while he focused 100% on himself and his work. We don't have many models of having a family AND being a creative person. But it can be done.
And I do believe that having a family is grounding too - it adds to my work. I'm not the same person that I was before. There's something about holding these two ideas in our heads - yes, we are unique, special snowflakes. AND we are also just another person on the planet making a life and having a family.
I thought being a mom and having a life was an either/or. But I realised that it is an "and".
I totally get you on this one as I straddled the baby fence for a number of years as well, finally to decide that they aren't for me. I did read this book - http://www.amazon.com/Maybe-Baby-Infertility-Childlessness-Ambivalence/dp/B002ECEG2U - which is a collection of essays from each of the 3 sides - yes, no and maybe to the whole idea of children. While I still had to decide for myself, as you will, it did help to hear other people's stories and know that I wasn't the only one having the feelings and in the end - whatever I decided (and you decide) - is OK.
ReplyDeleteI was pretty 50/50 on it for a while as well, but I figured that it would likely happen eventually (meaning we would decide to go for it).
ReplyDeleteAnd we did, and got two in one go.
And I love them tons of course.
But of course they also add lots of complications and limitations, so I'm glad we waited till we got to do some of the stuff thats harder to do now.
Did you ever see the movie Sliding Doors? I so wish there were a way to peer into alternative realities for some of life's most altering decisions. I don't think there's any way not to wonder what could be or have been.
ReplyDeleteIf you decide to get pregnant will you still wear your jeans every day for the remaining months!
ReplyDeleteI would love to see how creative you get with your expanding waist line and skinny jeans :)
Thank you all so much for your comments. It really means a lot.
ReplyDeleteAndrés & Candice - Jeremy is super zen about it. He imagines kids in his life one day but doesn't know when that will happen. He can just imagine himself being an old man with grown children. For now he's super chill about it and knows that either way we'll be okay. I think he ultimately is leaving the choice up to me.
Chasity - EXACTLY. I think it's the not knowing that's even harder. I have twinges of the overwhelming urge but they always seem to fade. Such is the cycle of life, eh?
Rosie - I love and can relate to your comment. Thank you.
Hainesmorgan - Thanks for the book recommendation! I'm definitely going to check it out.
Hideyourbreakables - YES. I absolutely believe that the little moments and decisions we make in life add up to this whole trajectory of who we are.
Britt - Ha! We'll see. When my sister got pregnant she didn't even show for 6 months. So I could probably continue wearing the jeans... but I really can't imagine getting pregnant so soon.
i'm there. i could really go either way. it's sorta annoying because the hubs is the same. we are just putting on the backburner for now but who knows what the future holds.
ReplyDelete